Restoring The Church

Change Your Mind

January 2010, Number 50

A Pathway to Maturity

How to speak the truth in love

 

by Jim Van Yperen

In his letter to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul makes a direct causal loop between spiritual maturity and one specific practice. “Speaking the truth in love,” Paul writes, “we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” For Paul, it appears, our ability to “grow up” is somehow linked to the practice of telling the truth to one another in a way that expresses authentic love. But what would this look like in daily practice?  In this article, we will explore what Paul is saying to us and how this wisdom could be applied to everyday matters of life and ministry.

Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians is his magnum opus for the church. Here, unlike his other letters, Paul is free from the constraints of answering questions, rebuking heresy or addressing conflict. Instead, we have Paul’s vision for the majesty and purpose of the church that is no less than revealing “the manifest wisdom of God” to “rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms.”1 This is God’s eternal project. So Paul marvels in the believer being “chosen” in Christ before the world was created.2 He writes with awe about our being adopted by grace into God’s forever family3 where the mystery of redemption in Jesus Christ is revealed.4

In the first three chapters of his letter, Paul writes with heightened wonder as if looking down from heaven to God’s purposes on earth. His words flow from effusive praise to enthusiastic prayer, all given to remind us of God’s high calling for the church.  Then, in chapter four, the apostle’s tone and purpose shifts from awesome insight to daily practice as if to say, “and this is what it wouldlook like to live worthy of your call.”5 Paul shifts from declaring God’s praise to describing the glory of our task.

The apostle starts, as always, with character. “Be completely humble and gentle;” Paul writes, “be patient, bearing with one another in love.”6 Living worthy begins with an attitude, a mindset, a disposition of character that is bent toward others. “This is what a called one looks like,” Paul writes, “she is humble, gentle, patient, forbearing of others in love.” In other words, we are called to embody Jesus’ prayer for the church in the Upper
Room, “that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.”7 The mark of a Spirit-people is oneness and peace.8

But how does this happen? Paul’s answer is “grace.” Each follower of Christ is apportioned grace to practice.9  This grace comes in at least two forms: spiritual gifts and redemptive speech, each dedicated to the benefit of others for the glory of Jesus Christ.

First, God sends gifted leaders –apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers-- to equip God’s people to serve others so the whole Body might be built up in spiritual unity and maturity.10 Note that the primary function of leaders is to equip others for ministry, not to be the ministry, or do the ministry themselves.  Leaders are called to prepare others to serve so that, as each member of the church exercises his or her portion of grace, the Body grows. Growth comes from all exercising loving service.

Second, all followers of Jesus Christ are called to grace in their speech. That is, in contrast to those who become enamored with new fads or spout off the latest mode of clever thinking, God’s people are called to speak the truth in love. Character is formed through redemptive speech. It is this second practice of grace – speaking the truth in love-- that Paul sees as the distinguishing mark of spiritual growth, the activity of one who has “put off” the old way of thinking and acting and who has been transformed into a mature believer. Look at what he writes:

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. . . You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph.4: 15–16,22; 25–32

But what does it mean to speak the truth in love? The Greek word for truth literally means “nonconcealment.” Truth is what really is, not covered-up or falsified. Paul is saying that the mark of a Christ-follower is one who “puts off falsehood and speaks truthfully to his neighbor.” The focus of this passage is the practice of holy relationships. The imperative of truth is not knowledge about God but relationship with God and others. Note how each admonishment to speak truthfully is preceded by a negative example of speaking falsely.

For Paul, falsehood is the mark of the “old self,” a nature corrupted by evil desire and motivated by selfishness. Since the old self seeks to satisfy self alone, it separates people from God and others. In contrast, Paul insists that followers of Christ put on the “new self ” guided by a growing relationship with God and one another in truth. Spiritual maturity springs from speech that is edifying, from words that build up and offer grace to one another. The people of God’s Spirit are a people who are growing up through gracious candor.  In this light, Christian character and maturity is not be measured by the sum of knowledge or ministry achievement, but by the ability to speak honestly and openly with empathy for others.

This is such an important idea for Paul that he expresses the same point negatively. Holding on to anger, he says, instead of speaking truthfully with your neighbor, gives Satan a foothold.11  At the same time, words that tear people down grieve the Holy Spirit.12 Note how the word grieve implies relationship. The Holy Spirit is a person who mourns when unwholesome talk comes out of our mouth.

Why we don’t speak the truth in love
Most people are governed by one of two dominant ways of organizing reality: by a subjective or objective view of truth. Subjective people lean toward relationships and emotions to form their identity and activity. In conversation, subjective people tend to emphasize love at the expense of truth. In conflict, they are more likely to be passive or evasive -- to not say something or to lie, rather than risk hurt to themselves or others. Though they would be hesitant to admit this, it is more important for them to feel good emotionally than to be reconciled. As leaders, subjective people tend to be welcoming and people pleasing, summed up by the motto: “Your way is okay.”

On the other hand, people who are ordered by an objective worldview bend toward the completion of tasks and mastery of facts to form their identity and activity. In conversation, objective people tend to emphasize truth at the expense of love. In conflict, they are more likely to speak defensively or aggressively, stating facts with little regard for the feelings of others. It is more important for them to be right than to be reconciled. Their leadership style is closed and controlling, summed up by the motto: “My way or the highway.”

Endemic to both of these ways of organizing reality is a lack of self-awareness and presence in the moment to recognize alternative ways of thinking and acting. Instead, we tend to find rationale that affirms our bias while ignoring or minimizing any factors that would challenge us to change. This is not something we want to admit, but most of us respond this way automatically.

Into this dialectic comes Jesus, whom Scripture describes as being “full of grace and truth.” Jesus embodies truth and grace. He speaks truth in love. Seeing His life and hearing His words, we are confronted with the counterfeit form of our fallen reality, identity and activity. In Jesus, our notion of love is exposed for the egocentered desire it is, not the generous self-sacrificing love of Jesus Christ. In Jesus, the truth we thought we mastered is revealed as hubris, a kind of Phariseeism void of the sanctifying work of Word and Spirit. In Jesus, we learn that truth without love is not God’s truth, and love without truth is not God’s love. In Jesus, if we are willing to learn, we can move beyond limited subjective and objective human formulas to a Spirit-driven, interpretive way of life that recognizes truth and love as a Person.

Jesus calls us to an incarnational way of living truth in love. Paul tells us that language is the primary way we do this. How we speak to one another determines the direction and depth of our growth. Mutual fullness in Jesus Christ, is linked to “speaking the truth in love.”

Truth or consequences
Imagine that a friend of yours borrows $1,000 from you and promises to pay you back within the month. Six weeks pass without any payment or word from your friend. You don’t understand this. You feel disappointed, or even like you have been taken advantage of. You know you need to speak to him about it. At the same time, you worry that he may respond negatively.

If your normal response is guided by love and relationships, your first instinct will be to deny your emotions and avoid any conversation with your friend at all, waiting for him to contact you. Of course, the problem will not go away. It lingers and, with each day that passes, you grow angrier and angrier toward your friend. A barrier slowly rises.

Or, perhaps you are a person guided by truth and order. Your sense of self-protection and of right and wrong (you being right and your friend wrong) will likely prompt you to pick up the phone or send an email to give him “a piece of your mind.” You justify doing this because your friend needs to know how selfish he is being.  Of course, your verbal attack shuts down any possibility for dialogue or understanding between you and your friend. A barrier quickly rises.

Now, let’s suppose that your friend had a sudden financial emergency you did not know about that kept him from keeping his commitment. What would either response above achieve? In each case, whether evading the issue or confronting the issue in anger, neither you nor your friend will have a safe and healthy opportunity to hear, understand and address the other’s point of view. You may feel justified in your action, but all you know is what you knew before. You are stuck with the same untested assumptions and conclusions. There is no growth, no alternative perspective by which to evaluate and judge if your suppositions are true. Moreover, in time these unchecked assumptions have a way of becoming “truth.” Future response to your friend will be governed by the belief that he is untrustworthy or selfish. In other words, you live and act within the fiction of your own immaturity.

Now, add to this your friend’s response. What if he responded as you did, either with silence or anger?  Wouldn’t this exacerbate the problem and stunt any possibility for mutual understanding and growth? Yet, sadly, this is the world of relational darkness most of us live in, day in and out, because we have not learned how to break the cycle. Refusing to speak the truth in love always hinders growth. Worse, it forms us as people of ignorance and darkness, not truth and light.

How to speak the truth in love
While there is no precise “how to” list for speaking the truth in love, understanding the following four elements of effective speech will provide a guide for learning: framing, advocating, illustrating and inquiring.13

Framing
The word frame is usually associated with some kind of supporting or surrounding structure. So, for instance, a painting is framed in such a way as to draw the viewer’s eye into the painting while separating one piece of art from another. Thus, framing provides focus, context and boundaries. In conversation, framing directs conversation to a specific issue, goal or subject.  Framing is essential for speaking the truth in love because it lets the listener(s) know what the purpose and context of the conversation is about. At the same time, framing provides a discipline for the speaker to be specific while surfacing any emotions or concerns present.

Most disagreement surfaces in one of four areas: facts, methods, goals or values. First, we can disagree about facts, such as about details of what happened, or we might hold different memories about who said what to whom. Second, we can disagree about methods, how something should be done, or the way to proceed. Third, we can disagree about goals, what our vision, purpose or objective is. Finally, we can disagree about values or beliefs, about what is most important or why things should be done a certain way.

Without the discipline of framing, it is easy to shift from one area to another. This leads to judgment and evil speech.  For example, speaking to your friend about failing to keep his promise will likely be about facts (what you both remember about his promise), or methods (how and when he was to keep the promise) but probably not about goals or beliefs. Thus, it would be wrong for you to conclude that his intention was to hurt you (goals) or that he was a selfish person (values) prior to having dialogue with him. Framing and re-framing your conversation helps you stay on focus and stay away from generalizations such as “All you care about is yourself. You never keep your promises.”

Returning to the scenario above, framing the issue will allow you to introduce the specific topic of your concern while naming and taking responsibility for your feelings in a way that offers safety and empathy for your friend. So, you might start the conversation by saying, “I would like to talk with you about the $1,000 you borrowed from me . . . I didn’t want to talk with you about this, because I don’t want to hurt you, but it has bothered me that you have not repaid the loan, and I don’t want this to come between us . . .”

Framing is a general and brief statement about what you want to talk about. Framing has at least two benefits.  First, it presents a “head’s up” to the person you are speaking to, allowing him a few moments to begin thinking about the subject and to prepare his mind to listen. Second, it helps make you self-aware of the issues and emotions in your mind while making a commitment to speak truth in love.  The danger for subjective people is to talk and talk about wanting to talk without getting to the point. The danger for objective people is to skip the framing altogether and launch into assumptions.

Advocating
Advocacy is an explicit statement of verbal support for a cause or the promotion of an idea in terms everyone can understand. “We have to be able to trust one another,” is advocacy. It is a simple, concrete statement about what you feel, believe or think needs to happen. All good communication has some form of advocacy.

Advocacy is essential for speaking the truth in love.  You have probably been in meetings with someone who spoke all around a subject without ever making a point or giving an opinion. On the other hand, you probably know “bottom line” people who constantly speak in absolute terms. Each form of communication is usually ineffective and frustrating. Proper advocacy is balance.

The best, and most difficult, form of advocacy is stating what you feel in the moment.14 We usually avoid stating our feelings because we don’t want to be vulnerable, yet making oneself vulnerable invites humility and authenticity into the conversation.

Advocacy is the “truth” side of speaking the truth in love. Advocacy says, “this is what I believe . . . this is what I’m feeling.” In our scenario above it might be, “I was counting on you to pay back the money you borrowed, and now that you have not paid me I’m disappointed and confused.” While advocacy is direct, it must also be loving. It should invite dialogue and stop short of judging intent. Loving advocacy speaks what you believe based upon what you “know,” fully aware that you need more information to understand completely. Thus, there are two kinds of advocacy, closed and open, but only open advocacy will lead to growth and transformation.

Closed advocacy represents an inward, “self-centered” point of view, unconcerned about the needs or interests of others. Being closed, a person assumes that “I know what happened,” and believes that this interpretation is the only one possible. Thus, closed advocacy may seek to “get even” or to punish the other person either by silence or verbal attack. Closed advocacy usually invites a similar self-centered response in return, escalating hurt and confusion.

Open advocacy is speaking about your concerns from an outward, “other-centered” point of view that invites understanding and reconciliation. Being open, a person understands that it is impossible for anyone to know the truth completely by oneself. Thus, open advocacy invites the other person’s perspective, even encourages him to clarify what happened or disagree with you for the sake of greater learning.

Again, self-awareness of your thoughts and feelings in the moment is critical for open advocacy. To be selfaware requires the difficult but vital discipline to continually ask yourself questions such as, “What am I feeling right now?” “Am I angry and seeking to punish?” “Am I wanting to defend or promote myself?” “Do I have his interests as well as mine in mind?”

Illustrating
To illustrate is to tell a story that visualizes the consequences or implications of your concern. Illustrating gives a tangible example of why your thoughts or feelings are important. A story invites people into a way of thinking and feeling about the subject from a different vantage. This encourages a fresh view, minimizing the tendency to respond with default assumptions. Jesus frequently uses a story to illustrate what he is advocating. For example, one day Jesus said,
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”

This is quite a statement that could easily be misunderstood. So, to illustrate his point, Jesus tells a couple stories about building and a king fighting a war.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’
“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”15

Returning to the scenario above, you might use illustrating to say something such as, “When I lent you the money, I really did not have much in the bank, but I wanted to help you. At the same time, I was counting on you paying the loan back so I could pay my bills. Now I’m being charged interest on my credit card because I was not able to pay.”

Inquiring
The last form of communication essential for speaking the truth in love is inquiry. Inquiry opens the door for feedback and dialogue. It provides a pathway for mutual understanding by asking a question and inviting response. “Do you understand what I’m saying? Or do you see this differently?”

Again, as in all forms of speech, there is both open and closed ways of communicating.16 Closed inquiry asks questions from an inward, “self-centered” point of view. Here the questions have only one purpose, to support my existing assumptions, experience or judgment. Closed questions do not seek discovery, learning or new understanding. Rather, these questions are meant to prove or disprove existing bias. So, the Pharisees ask Jesus questions meant to “trap” or to “catch him” in his words. Closed questions are questions loaded with judgment meant to confirm judgment. Again, closed questions assume that “I know the answer,” and no response of yours will change my mind.

Open inquiry asks questions from an outward, “other-centered” point of view, seeking to discover and learn what the other person understands, thinks or feels. The purpose of open inquiry is understanding. Open questions ask, “Do you understand what I’m saying?” or “Can you see my perspective?” and “How do you view this?” Open inquiry starts with the assumption that “I don’t know all I need to know to understand the truth.” In fact, open inquiry assumes that some of what I now believe is likely false or only partially true.

As a rule, never ask a question that you are not open to hearing the answer, or unprepared to act upon the response. For example, a parent should never ask a child, “do you want spinach for dinner?” if the parent is not willing to hear “no,” and willing to permit the child not eat the spinach. To ask a question, then refuse to listen or to act upon the response breaks trust. Further, it is neither kind nor just. Speaking the truth in love requires openness to ask, listen and respond to what is said. The key to open inquiry is asking in such a way that you are sincere and can be trusted to really listen. In fact, the best inquiry invites the person to correct any assumptions you might have made. “My understanding is that you were going to repay the loan within a month, is that right?”

Summary
Speaking the truth in love requires a discipline of self-awareness in the moment so that you can honestly frame the issue you want to discuss, state specifically your point of view, giving an illustration to support your conclusions and openly invite feedback for learning. Most of us do not speak the truth in love because we concentrate on one or two of these forms of communication instead of weaving all together.  Do you want to grow in character and maturity? The apostle Paul tells us that we must learn the art of speaking the truth in love.

Jim Van Yperen

 

Questions for personal application and small group study:
To explore more about speaking the truth in love, join together with three to five others in a small group and follow the directions below:

1.  Pray: Thank God for what He is going to reveal through this study.

2.  Read: Ephesians 4:15-32.

3.  Discover: Complete the following exercises and questions in dialogue with one another:

 

Endnotes:
1. Ephesians 3:10
2. Ephesians 1:4,11
3. Ephesians 1:5
4. Ephesians 1:9,10
5. Ephesians 4:1
6. Ephesians 4:2
7. John 17:20b,21
8. Ephesians 4:3-6
9. Ephesians 4:7
10. Ephesians 4:11-13
11. Ephesians 4:26-27
12. Ephesians 4:29-30
13. See Bill Torbert and Associates, Action Inquiry: The Secret of Timely and Transforming Leadership. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. San
Francisco, 2004
14. IBID page 28
15. Luke 14:26-33
16. Thanks to my pastor, Allen Koop, for the terminology of “open” and “closed” questions.



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